Thoughts From the Open Road
Lately I have been driving with the radio off or taking long shifts on road trips. I have really come to appreciate the solitude and silence not to mention it gives me a feeling of accomplishment to drive long distances. I know that I am a person that likes to keep busy and go a million miles a minute but I am learning to slow down and clear my mind. Yesterday I drove quite a bit on our road trip and it was refreshing to be able to drive without panic, anxiety and without the feeling of wasting precious working time. I am thankful to have my love of driving back after years of fear. It was so great to actually feel like myself again.
About 6 years ago I had a very scary moment while driving where I passed out and woke up having stopped in the middle of the road. It was only by the Grace of God that I happened to be breaking when I passed out and that there were no other cars on the road. I still (to this day) can't believe how my God took care of me and that absolutely nothing bad happened. I wouldn't drive for months unless I absolutely had to and taking big trips gave me such big anxiety. I had to constantly talk myself down and tell myself that it was all in my head. That I was fine and that I wasn't going to pass out.
Its always amazing to me how we learn things. Like how one day it is easier for us and you can't pinpoint the exact moment that it just clicks. That is how it happened to me with driving. I couldn't recall the last time I drove where I felt anxiety, panic or fear of driving. It is so freeing and was so amazing to know that I couldn't remember the last time it happened.
Anxiety is something I think I will always struggle with. I try so hard not to but it always seems to rear its ugly head. The thing about anxiety is that it sweeps in when you least expect it. When things are going good and you can't possibly believe or think that something will go wrong and feel like you can't handle things. It also gives people the ability to label you. Every moment has the ability to become too much; therefore, people have their pre-notions about you. It will be brought up every time you have a weak moment. You can't escape it and you will always carry around that baggage no matter how hard you try to get rid of it. How can you push past that?Some days I would tell you that you can't but I know that is not true. I know you can by taking it one moment at a time; one day at a time.
When your whole world is crashing down on you, I love remembering moments like this where there is hope. Besides being exhausted, I was completely fine (on so many levels). Fine isn't a word that I thought I could ever use to describe driving again. There is hope when you feel like there can't ever be hope again. There is hope that things can change. There is a reason for trying again and to keep trying even if it is so hard and you feel like people have given you no hope. There is hope when all you do is cry all day, shut down and refuse to put yourself in a situation where you might get hurt, shot down or where you might hurt people.
I am so thankful that God had mercy on me in that moment. That he protected and cared for me. It may seem like a small thing but it means so much to me. I am so thankful that I didn't shut down for good and refuse to ever drive again. I am thankful that the open road doesn't scare me anymore and I am thankful for the many adventures I will want to take. I am thankful that there is hope, that God is hope and that he provides us with hope everyday.
